Trauma makes us feel that are some level we are powerless. If someone could do that to us once it could happen again. And if we were abused in anyway when little this feeling runs even deeper. But trauma can be anything from violence to mental abuse to sexual abuse to hurtful words or looks even.
What happens is someone takes control and exerts a form of manipulative and destructive power over us and this leaves us feeling helpless in some way.
I grew up in a home where I was regularity beaten as a child. There was always a “good reason” given for this. I was “too” something. Too slow, too rude, too not this or just needing ” a punishment” to “learn”. Sometimes I didn’t even get given a reason, and so this left me feeling for most of my life like at my core I was a bad person. After all if I was a good person why would my own parent hurt me, why would they lash out at me again and again and even when I told them I was sorry or that I would be “good” or that I loved them did they not stop.
Years later this manifested as a deep need to be “good” or at least to be seen as being good. Otherwise something bad may happen to me. That may not sound too terrible but actually what it meant was I rarely if ever spoke up for myself for fear of not being liked. If someone did something to hurt me whether physically or otherwise I would somehow in my mind make out it must be my fault. I must have done something, said something bad or wrong.
I often made a series of choices that kept taking me to these types of people who kept hurting me and I kept thinking it’s me, not them, it’s me.
One day I made a realisation that may sound simple but actually felt rather huge for the child inside me. This was that I was no longer a child! I did not have to take such behaviour. I could call it out I could walk away I could say stop. And that realisation led to some clumsy but empowering no’s in fact Im still practising those no’s today.
What trauma specially at a young age does is it makes us hyper sensitive to our environments. At one time we needed to be to survive to survey the land so to speak and tell if we were safe. This means I have a great bull shit detector and if trauma happened to you chances are you do too. You probably know very well, feel it in your body when something isn’t right or when someone is hiding something from you.
Your body which may once have felt weak and helpless is actually your greatest friend. It once knew when you were not safe. And maybe it could not do much then to help you, but all those skills are in there and ready to be used.
Once we make the realisation that we are no longer powerless we can start to really find our unique skill set. I don’t believe in that fairy dust way of saying well it all happened for a reason. I mean yes at a soul level yes.But as a human it’s okay to say that was a shit thing that happened to me. And be angry. That’s okay to do, that is healthy.
And then when the anger subsides the strength can come in. Anger leaks strength. And the strength can say okay now what? Now how do I use what happened to me to become the best version of myself I can ever be?
If trauma has meant you are super sensitive to people or energies in a space, that does not have to be a weakness. It can be a power. It’s how you use that power that defines you.
What if you are able to walk into a space and know instantly if this is the right space for you. What if your sixth sense kicks in and tells you no this doesn’t feel right. And what if you listen to that and not tell it off and ignore it? Chances are you are picking up on something and that something at a core level feels off to you.
That is a power. That is being in the moment. That is good. The more you honour this skill the sharper it gets and the more you realise that now you are the master of your life and no one can ever hurt you again unless you give them permission to do so.
Enjoy that power and use it wisely