Relationships are simple and complex. That duality is the magic at their heart. It means when 2 people come together as friends or in romantic relationship that they have navigated some pretty tricky waters. Yet they have continued to turn up, to show up, to say this is worth working for, fighting for, being awake and aware for. And that is special.

My post is inspired by those relationships that we may hold onto that really may not be serving us. Sometimes we hold on because we fear loneliness. Sometimes because we do not know any better. If we have only ever known dysfunctional relationships then how can we know the feel of a healthy one?

Some observations I have made over the years, a check list if you like to ponder and see what may resonate.

* Do you frequently find that your friend/partner is late for your appointments together/dates? Are you left waiting at home, by a tube station/bus stop/restaurant for lengths of time every time you agree to meet? Sure they probably have a great excuse each time and you forgive them each time. Really what happens when someone keeps us waiting is we are left feeling as if we are not very important, as if our time is somehow less valuable than theirs. For some of you it may even trigger anxiety, you may worry if they are okay, did you get the time right, the day right, are you in the right place. That is not a healthy way to be engaging. If someone consistently keeps you waiting it is worth asking them and yourself, how important am I to them? And see where that question takes you both. They may not even be aware they are doing this, or there may be a deeper reason. The question is still worth asking.

* Do you frequently have to battle for air space? When you are engaging in conversation with this person is it usually one sided? I have been amazed at the number of times I have been with people and not only have they not stopped for air, but when I have shared something, they often look surprised that there is another person in the room. And after a slight pause carry on regardless of what I may have said. For me, it took me years to realise this was not healthy relating. Perhaps these people only behaved like this with me, perhaps not. The deeper question was, why was I allowing it to happen time and again? So if you find that you are with someone who forgets to ask you how you are or when you share something deeply personal they change the subject- ask yourself why are you agreeing to such behaviour. Does it make you feel happy? Do you leave such interactions feeling calm and peaceful or slightly irritated? That will be your answer usually to how healthy the relationship is.

* Which leads onto the next question. Is this person there for you when you need them or are they only around when the good times are happening? If you are sick in bed with a cold, or have just had your heart broken or feeling a little low, do they offer to come round and make you dinner, watch a DVD, do they treat you to a meal when you are broke, do they give you a back rub when you are feeling tired. In other words do they want to be with you no matter whether you are the life and soul or if not. Do they want to be with the real, human version of you, or just the perfect version of you? If their love for you is conditional on you being a certain way, how does that make you feel? Is this what you really want? If yes, great, and if not, then why do you have them in your life? Do you believe you are worthy of love, just you, as you?

* Does this person in your life often claim ideas of yours as their own, sometimes making a profit or benefitting themselves? You know that scenario, where you have this great idea and you share it with the people you love. Next thing you know that person has gone off patented it, and is making millions out of it! Or you share the idea for a book and hey presto in a year this person has written that exact same book, idea for idea. Ask yourself do you share too much too soon? Or are you the ideas person, the one people come to when they want an idea/inspiration? If so what are you getting out of that? Do you like this? Are you too scared to implement your own dreams?

* Has this person stolen from you, lied to you, disrespected you, hurt you several times? If so, why do you keep going back for more? What do you feel you deserve?

So some considerations there. And sometimes the first step to that self love is saying no to bad behaviour.

Have a look at those around you at work, in friendships, in love and romance and ask yourself what kind of behaviour do you tolerate and is it worth it? Of course we all have bad days, months or years may go by and dear friends do not hear from each other. Yet the love is there. This is about asking what works for you. What do YOU need and most of all what do you want from relating.

Good luck!