There are many reasons why people behave in toxic ways- some can be healed and some cannot. Why not? Because the individual has to want to change.

These days there can be a lot of wanting to fast track. Download an app for spirituality or buy that book or go to that event.

Real change comes from the inner work we do without anyone seeing us doing it, it happens in how we react to life and the choices we make. How we speak to ourselves and to others.

Toxic people tend to create drama it is something they feed off. They like to see others upset or hurt in some way it seems to give them something.

Toxic people will tell you often your pain is lesser than theirs in some way or that somehow you are to blame for the things they said and did to you. They will play games they will deny events happened they will try and confuse you, they will play the victim. Often the smallest thing happens to them but they will play it out like a tragedy whereas you could be bleeding in front of them and they will dismiss your pain.

Toxic people lack empathy but they are very acutely aware of their own suffering. They use buzzwords, trendy spiritual terms they’ve read or heard someone say but it means nothing to them. Not deep down.

They wish to stay the victim often or the one who everyone loves, they cannot bear being thought badly of because they know that deep down there could be some truth to this.

They care about the image what people think, they play up to strangers and they want strangers to like them more than you.

Unless they want to change nothing will.

If you find yourself in the same repeating patterns with someone then chances are they have some form of toxicity or mental health issue that needs addressing. If you’ve done the work and you still see no change in the dynamic if you are open and honest and share your feelings and they still come back to you with what feels hurtful and uncaring it could be them who needs the help also. It could be time to walk away also.

Some words, actions and phrases to look out for:

1. Denial- I don’t remember that didn’t happen.
2. Blaming you for not being more doing more
3. Saying you “should…..”
4. Telling you to be more something…..more caring more spiritual more forgiving
5. Telling you to forgive them
6. Saying get over it
7. Putting in very little effort when you need support- a text than a visit, one phone call then nothing
8. On and off contact
9. They compete with you over pain or suffering
10. They minimise your pain or suffering
11. They laugh at your ideas or mock your beliefs
12. They keep score and throw dates, money, events back at you in times of crisis or confrontation
13. They lack loyalty to you
14. They seem to be always looking to be elevated in some way either as a victim seeking help or as the Great Don/Goddess
15. They need to be the centre of attention – in a room it will be them making the most noise
16. They treat you very differently behind closed doors to public
17. They covertly and overtly put you down in front of others
18. They betray your private confidences
19. They have a list of exes who betrayed them or hurt them it is always the ex who was at fault not them
20. They go from partner to partner or friend to friend
21. You only hear from them when they want something
22. They categorise people in their life
23. They make noise – toxic people tend to make a lot of noise in rooms in parties in spaces they need to be seen all the time. Silence scares them, they would have to be alone with themselves them and their own toxic thoughts.
24. They over arch their trials, you might have a cold but they will have flu.
25. They present their pain, if they have an ache they will limp and announce it, the person carrying the hot water bottle at work tends to want the attention – the true “trooper” hides their pain- not saying this is always the way or agreeing or not -saying these are observations
26. They delay helping others, withhold help and use it to bargain
27. They use money as power to bargain and trade
28. They play games with others, and are inconsistent in their behaviour
29. You actually know very little about their plans their hopes or their fears- they seem like empty vessels. Who are they? No one seems to know really.
30. They are different with different people- radically different

And much more but some things to ponder and all opinion take what resonates and leave what does not

With Love

Amber